Reflecting on 2025

In the biggest way, at least, 2025 got better than 2024 just because I was able to end the job hunt and find something full time to keep me going. The real painful part though is even if things might be objectively getting better, it's been difficult to feel any better. That part is maddening and frightening.

I was able to get a job, but the stress hasn't stopped. Maybe I'm not fully suited for this role, maybe it's not the right environment for me. It's been so hard to feel useful or appreciated. There's a lot of days I end up tieing myself in a knot feeling like I'm about to get fired. Work is still extremely isolating. I don't have the social energy to try to reach out and connect with coworkers and I really wish that I didn't have to do it.

Socially I was... kind of better. I went to a lot of meetups for Altered and even to the Texas World Championship Qualifier, and those were all good memories. But the groups just fell or drifted apart, interest waned, and then more shit happened in my life and I just turned into a recluse again. I mostly spend my time at home and don't feel like I'm doing anything. I've barely played games this year. All that time spent getting the custom soundtrack folder together for Super Robot Wars Y and I still haven't finished the game.

I dunno. I just struggle to feel any different, any better. I worry my therapist is going to hate me because I just can't seem to ever implement the things we talk about. I mean, it took me probably three or four years just to get to the point of calling a therapist. So no surprise I guess that I can't be better in one year.

Looking ahead to goals or positive things, I let a lot of clutter just accumulate in my depression that I'd like to start clearing out. Actually I won a TV last year because the apartment management did a raffle for everyone renewing in a certain month. I've just been struggling so much that I haven't even opened it. So I'd like to get a new stand for that and set that up. I mean I have a drill now so I could think about hanging it, but. Effort. Some change would be nice if I can get the energy together.

Maybe I'll reach out to see if there's a local shop with an active Gundam Card Game scene and get to doing anything again. See if I can find the energy to get to the Netrunner meetups again.

Near term I'd like to keep working on some creative projects. I've got a few card game ideas rattling around my head and storage folders. I'd like to learn some card templating software and try to get any of them to a state that I could put a good enough bare minimum Tabletop Sim mod together to playtest with.

I'm still really struggling. And everything up until the week of Christmas was especially bad so I'm not really full of positives right now.

But I've hung in there for another year.