Reflecting on 2024

This time last year, I had just quit a job that had been making me sick, andI didn't know if I would get my old Kia again.

I guess I should say I learned a lot about red flags and what not to tolerate around the office from that job. My team leader wasn't in the interview I had to get hired. I was already on edge about the position because the recruiter I found it through made me feel incredibly disrespected and kept hammering me on acting immediately which only made me want to pause for longer so I didn't get roped into a trap. I had another place that had made me an offer at the time, and I can't help but wonder what might've been at the other place. But no, I took t hat job, which was incredibly upsetting and isolating. No one talked. No one wanted to invite me out to lunch. There was no plan to get me up and going. My team leader forgot to invite me to meetings and just never seemed to understand that it was his responsibility to train me. Trying to say I didn't feel prepared just got me blank and confused looks. Not to mention the team running with three other people and one of them was doing double the work of the other two combined.

So I quit. I had savings. All I do is save. I have too much of a scarcity mindset to invest. Even in retirement savings. I got my car back, and then the engine seized up. I think the carjackers drove over something. But maybe I did just go too long between oil changes. At least insurance called it their bad for not checking and paid me for the car.

Things were okay and then it all fell apart. 2024 was the year I just gave up on social connections, it turned out. I started to feel so alienated and unconnected from my old board gaming group that I just stopped going. I wished for someone to reach out and ask where I was, how I was. But no one did. And maybe it's all in my head. But it still hurt. It hurt to feel extraneous. It hurt when my interests were ignored. That I was excited for a game or wanted to share it wasn't enough reason for anyone else to show interest in it. No time made for me.

I made like two attempts to keep the Primal meetups going and gave up.

I had brunch once with my cousin and just gave up.

I'm halfheartedly going to Altered and Netrunner meetups. I joined a new group for board game meetups and I tell myself that all their weeknight events are too far, that I don't want to drive for 40 ot 50 minutes again to get to them. But what else am I doing? And I'm still just scared. Scared that I won't feel any different even if I do go.

It took me a few days to look at my Steam recap because I knew what it would show. At the start of the year I was playing things. Having fun. And then halfway through the year it just... stops. Stopped playing Helldivers. Gave up on Marvel Snap. Stopped playing any new single player games. Loads of demos sit in my library I downloaded and never touched.

I started rewatching Tekkaman Blade and stopped with two episodes left. I started watching Legend Heroes and I stopped with like ten episodes left. I started a Pacific Drive replay and stopped at about the halfway mark. I have a partially completed HG Sazabi sitting around me on my desk and I can't finish a gunpla kit.

Cohost shut down. I started this blog and then ran out of things to say. I feel as though I cook so much less than I used to.

This might be the lowest I've felt on a New Year's Eve.

The job hunt's gone nowhere and yes, I did have savings, but not unlimited money. It's hard not to catastrophize and worry about living out of my car. I won a smart tv from my apartment management and it just stressed me out more thinking I'd have to sell it. It hurts and makes me feel lesser for being rejected so many times. Even when I get to the interview stage... it's not enough. There's someone else they want to go with more. It's hard for it not to feel personal.

I made some baby steps to change. I found a therapist and started weekly sessions. I'm trying. As much as I can give anything a try. Going to the meetups I do get to isn't a waste of time.

And I did make good on my resolution from last year to be able to travel more. I got the car bunk put together and can hit the road. I'm looking forward to being able to travel more in 2025.

2024 turned out to be a very bad year where I got locked in a depressive spiral of being unable to be hopeful about myself and unable to be hopeful about the world. I stopped enjoying things and stopped feeling any connections to other people. Sometimes, a lot of the time, I'm still scared that I can't change.

But I've made the steps to try. I've done the right things.